So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
