bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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