Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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