Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
