you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
These tits shall not be calmed
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