He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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