...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
