God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
How does one acquire holy water?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
