Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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