the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
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The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
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My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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