I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
