Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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