I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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