I accidentally burped into my bong.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
