and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
