just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
