Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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