In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
