I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize