idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
