So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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