yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
