the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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