Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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