She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
