i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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