You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
