Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
