history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
