I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
