I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
