Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
