I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
