Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
