You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
