dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
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