I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
