our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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