I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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