I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
