am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
