I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
