he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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