how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
