Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
