your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
