the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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