I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
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Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
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HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize