I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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