great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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