I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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