yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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