he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
