She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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