so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
