i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
