I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
