dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
