Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
