Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
