i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
