I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
My breath smells like gin and sadness
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
